Jokes - Page 5

renaldob · #41 (**permalink**) 06-25-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by markt_99

I guess that wasn't a very good joke if the punchline had to be explained. I'll try again.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As
the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told
us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing
the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your
trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight
attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my
country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

lol

renaldob · #42 (**permalink**) 06-25-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by goldenwarrior63

something I Found On A Facebook App...it Isn't Overly Funny But It Wouldn't Refresh To A New Joke So Yeah:

A Scientist Gets On A Train To Go To New York. His Cabin Also Has A Poor Farmer In It. To Pass The Time The Scientist Decides To Play A Game With The Guy.

"i Will Ask You A Question And If You Get It Wrong, You Have To Pay Me One Dollar. Then You Ask Me A Question, And If I Get It Wrong, You Get Ten Dollars. You Ask Me A Question First." The Farmer Thinks For A While.

"i Know. What Has Three Legs, Takes Ten Hours To Climb Up A Palm Tree, And Ten Seconds To Get Back Down?" The Scientist Is Confused And Thinks Long And Hard About The Question. Finally, The Train Ride Is Coming To An End. As It Pulls Into The Station, The Scientist Takes Out Ten Dollars And Gives It To The Farmer.

"i Don''t Know. What Has Three Legs, Takes Ten Hours To Get Up A Palm Tree And Ten Seconds To Get Back Down?"

The Farmer Takes The Ten Dollars And Puts It Into His Pocket. He Then Takes Out One Dollar And Hands It To The Scientist.

"i Don''t Know."

Omg Lol

**OtherPplsDrama** · #43 (**permalink**) 06-25-2008

That one was much better Mark

LOL

**stacee_danielle** · #44 (**permalink**) 06-25-2008

Ponderisms

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties"
plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song
about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
place?

**OtherPplsDrama** · #45 (**permalink**) 06-25-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by stacee_danielle

Ponderisms

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

LMAO....Busted...I totally did

renaldob · #46 (**permalink**) 06-25-2008

me 2.

**stacee_danielle** · #47 (**permalink**) 06-25-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by renaldob

me 2.

I did too, LOL.

**stacee_danielle** · #48 (**permalink**) 06-27-2008

Pet Diary

DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to haunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

**OtherPplsDrama** · #49 (**permalink**) 06-27-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by stacee_danielle

Pet Diary

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

LoL Stacee my old cat did that to me several times. I used to laugh and say "ha ha little girl are you trying to kill me"?!.
But now I must wonder.....

**stacee_danielle** · #50 (**permalink**) 06-27-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by OtherPplsDrama

LoL Stacee my old cat did that to me several times. I used to laugh and say "ha ha little girl are you trying to kill me"?!.
But now I must wonder.....

I know, I was laughing so much when I read that...It is so believable.